Alpha and Omega

Its like you're on a roller coaster ride - minutes before you take off you feel like you could just puke - but 30 seconds later, you're sitting there with a shit eating grin - you're wishing to do it all over again.

Today was D.DAY! For the last 8 months I have be planning this day. NAY for the last 5 years minus a few months I've been planning this day. The day I'd tell my supe and the people that I work with that I was moving on. Bouncing out. In my head it had gone a few ways. The way you always imagine leaving is a far cry from what actually happens. In my dreams it was dramatic, full of expletives four letter words flying - the look of shock and horror as my hood self aka Sasha approaches and lets eeeerbody ( yes eeeerbody) know EXACTLY how I feel about them. But in reality, I was humble, shaking, and nervous. Scared to tell the people that have helped me stay employed for the last 5 years that we'd come to the end of the road.

I followed a dear friend's advice and did it early. Before 10 am the word was out. I had just resigned. Its unimaginable thinking back that I considered waiting any longer. In that first hour and a half at work - I was already sweaty and anxious, just waiting eagerly for a free moment to tell my boss that this was it. I pulled him aside in what seems like a freezer - the small conference room always cold seemed extra icy today.

It was short and brief, just like that roller coaster ride. I sat him down. Made sure he understood that it wasn't personal or a sudden decision but one that I mulled over for months, in truth I resigned a long time ago. I was just waiting for the right moment to let them know. My heart, which has never been in the wonderful world of personal auto - was really not in it anymore. Not since last summer - from then on out - it was just a waiting game. Every day, week, and month that passed I felt myself close off and care less about my daily task. My routine that I am notoriously rigid about was beginning to peel away at the edges. My work mask that I wear so well began to drop. Until today. I picked up my work persona - dragged her into that room - and with " its time for me to move on" I killed her.

I will never again be an underwriting operations specialist. I doubt that I'll ever subject myself to doing anything to wholly unsatisfying to my dreams and what I want to do with my life. This was the end of that life - and the beginning of something much more special.