Well...

Something about this just sits so well with me... deep down in my soul... enjoy.

Bon Iver & St. Vincent. - Roslyn

5

There are only 5 days left people. ITS ABOUT TO GO DOWN.

Stress is mostly in check. I have finally decided to just let it all be. What I have packed is what I will have. Isn't that so like Gandhi. Too bad I don't believe it. My suitcases are stuffed like two sausage links. Full, and busting, I'm still trying to cram another outfit in to one of them that literally couldn't hold a cough if it tried. They are filled to capacity like Cindy No Good on prom night. Friends, readers, people that happen to stumble upon this blog and have decided to read through my first paragraph of complete insanity - those bad boys are overindulged, pressed down and STILL running over.

I wish I could contact one of those uber rich celebrats and ask them for their jet for a week and a half, all expenses on them of course, I mean if Jay Z is really planking on a million he could stand to hook me up! I don't even care about flying coach. Just have my crap fly first class. My shoes deserve it.

This last week has been fun. Sad but fun. I'm much better behaved than I thought I would be. I've only gotten into one screaming match and have managed only to call one person a giant bitch. She likes it though, when I talk dirty so I guess it OK what are friends for after all.

I can't imagine that next week at this time, this will be all behind me. I won't be striking the keys quickly, and quietly from my bed room floor, but miles away, in a different city, just hoping to make myself better. I can't wait to see what this adventure will bring, even if I have to leave a few things behind.

Mistakes

The days are really starting to fly now. I only have 7 days left, and I can't help but start to freak out.

1. I still haven't finished packing

2. My home is still a wreck

3. I think I'm making a magnificent mistake

I mean who does this, who wakes up one morning and decides to fly half way across the world, to figure things out. I can figure things out from California, which is technically further away, but at least on the same CONTINENT as everyone I know. Ugh.

I'm so anxious lately, I feel like I could puke constantly, just hug the bowl of my misshapen life until my insides are completely out of me, and I wake up in some haze where none of this is real, or happening. I wish that the next week would finally go by, then finally I could start making sense of what's happening.

This labor of love ( for my self) is turning into more of a chore. SO over it. UGh.

Gold Dust Woman

I'm obsessed with Stevie Nicks. She's my spirit animal. That witchy wonderfulness that she evokes. She's a star, burning hard and fast into the ozone, drawing you in, you have no other option but to gaze upon her in delight. He long wild hair blowing ferociously in the wind, when I grow up I want to be her. If you don't you either have a better sense of real life than I do - or you're boring. Either way - here's one of my favorite FWM songs, and the blogs name sake. Femme Poussiere D'or. Because, like Stevie, I'm a gold dust woman.

Nostaligia

I am sitting on the foot end of my bed looking over a sea of my stuff, and I cant quite figure out when it all got here. When everything got so packed up. I'm beginning to feel this big overwhelming wave starting to crash over me. Today has not been a good day. More relaxing and less packing was done today. Not good. I've had to cancel 2 dinner dates. Not good. I haven't been able to pay off any of the bills like I thought I would've have. Not good. Maybe I should have worked until the 26th. There is just a world of worry and doubt coursing through my brain. As if I need to be worrying about things other than what's going into the suitcases. At this point - what I'm bringing/not bringing is becoming the least of my problems.

There's a part of me, a small part, that wants to scrap the whole idea. Put everyone (including my shoes, I finally did them) back in their proper place and be done with it all. Or at the very least move to like California or something. Not that Bear State has ever been a big desire or anything, but it would be more feasible. That way I could just drive across country - and take everything. Why hasn't anyone built a bridge over the Atlantic. I'd take it. Just to save on the stress, but I guess there'd be no place to fill up the u haul.

I'm starting to get like sincerely depressed. Leaving just the thought of getting to the airport on the plane is so daunting. Not that I don't want to go but like just getting there feels like this big epic thing. For so long, it was like, well I'm just going it'll be fine. And now, its finally starting to settle in. I'm leaving. Everyone,and everything behind. Even the light the comes in my window at the head of the bed, over looking the back yard, shining in the glorious way it does feels nostalgic. Can you really begin to miss things, and places, and people before you even left yet? I'd wager that you definitely can. Because I definitely do.

Why

Someone asked me a while back - why I was moving. At the time, I didn't know the answer. Currently, I still do not know the complete answer. I have reasons I tell the noisy people who can't understand and reasons I tell people who seem earnestly interested, I even have reasons I tell people that seem jealous and doubtful that I will survive in the big bad world, away from the safety and comfort of home.

The truth is I have never had the opportunity for self discovery. I have always played my part to the people around me. I've been the kind listening Sidra, that you can tell your deepest darkest secrets too. The smart witty, clever Sidra, you can crack jokes with. The trustworthy, hardworking Sidra, that shows up to work on time, and completes task, and performs with out hesitation. I never mind being any of these versions of myself, they are ultimately part of what makes me, me. But, the one real reason I'm travelling across the sea, and getting so far away from all of those parts of myself is to find out if that's really who I want to be.

All of my life, I've been the Sidra for other people. Now, its time to find out who I am to myself. I can't do that from the comfort of home. I almost wish I could. Its progressively getting harder to walk away. Harder to say goodbye. Lately everything has been feeling like a good hair day - you know the day before you go get a hair cut or a fresh blow out - your hair looks so amazing you're almost convinced you don't need to go. That feeling, the facade that everything is actually OK and that I don't need to discover who I can be, what my full potential is, has almost got me convinced that I could stay here, and do it from my front porch. I know ultimately that I can not.

... You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore...

August 5th.

Last week went by so quickly. Its officially the beginning of the end. Or the beginning of a new beginning. I don't like the split hairs - so which ever way you like to see it, is just fine with me. I feel nauseous. I can't believe that is 26 short days, my journey will have officially begun. It still seems like last week it was April and I was considering running off from my full time job, to find something light weight and easy to do for the summer months. I'm happy ultimately that I never did that. I'd be leaving a slew of people that I care about considerably out to dry. The quick and dirty I quit - may have crossed my mind, but I never really really thought it through.

Next week is my last and final week at my job. While most of me is doing the running man deep down in my soul ( can I get a praise dance) a piece of me is terrified. I'm sincerely scared ya'll. No place to go on Monday morning, no boss to commiserate about after work, no projects to run, no one to answer to, no paycheck. Oh heeellllllllls nah. NO PAY CHECK. Can I tell you how long its been since I've been unemployed. Since 2000. I have had a steady job, in one form or the other since the start of THIS century. I was also working in the last century, but we'll those icky details out - child labor laws and all. Not that I was necessarily raking it in or anything - but some is better than none - and as of next week I'll be in the none lane.

Bills don't stop just because you're moving. Luckily, any moving person worth their salt knows that and has a back plan. I just hope that I stick with mine. Its hard to shell out the dough when your not going to be around. I wish I had an Alexandre Patrosvsky to come bail me out. But SATC was series, and this here is really life. Best get my shit in order.

Things I love

I can count on my right hand the number of men I love. There's literally only 1. My father. He is undoubtedly the kindest, most gentle, fair person I know. I can trust him with any secret. And like the hero he is he protects me to a fault. Up until now. My father is pissed. I'm talking kensie six pissed. Go-Ku level 9,000 pissed. He's ready to hadoooget me into a wall any day now. Normally I would know my offenses. I would grieve the disappointment I caused, apologized and we'd be back in lala love Sidra land. I doubt that we'll be taking that midnight train any time soon.

I think the idea of me being so far away makes him upset. Instead of coming out right and saying that - he's going to continue to hit me with the cold shoulder. I have come to expect this. I knew that at the beginning at this adventure I was hurling myself into the lions den. Like most men, like most people my father doesn't like change. Having his youngest daughter skip town for the other side of the ocean must not be easy for him.

It isn't easy for me either mind you. I love my family. We fight, we moan, we bitch about each other like a poor version of the Vontrapps but I love them. This whole venture when I began it was supposed to be about self discovery once I moved. I thought leaving would open my eyes to a whole new world, how I handled the pressures of every day life with out the remarkable comfort of my home. What I'm really learning is that I don't have to travel 3,000 miles to do that. I am learning lessons in tough love right here.

Luckily, I'm still going. There are more stones to over turn on my path, and I plan on doing just that.

All I need

I'm not being lazy I swear. But Radiohead sums it up way better than I do... For your listening pleasure....

I'm the next act
Waiting in the wings

I'm an animal
Trapped in your hot car

I am all the days
That you choose to ignore

You are all I need
You are all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds

I'm a moth
Who just wants to share your light

I'm just an insect
Trying to get out of the night

I only stick with you
Because there are no others

You are all I need
You're all I need
I'm in the middle your picture
Lying in the reeds

It's all wrong
It's all right
It's all wrong