Nostaligia

I am sitting on the foot end of my bed looking over a sea of my stuff, and I cant quite figure out when it all got here. When everything got so packed up. I'm beginning to feel this big overwhelming wave starting to crash over me. Today has not been a good day. More relaxing and less packing was done today. Not good. I've had to cancel 2 dinner dates. Not good. I haven't been able to pay off any of the bills like I thought I would've have. Not good. Maybe I should have worked until the 26th. There is just a world of worry and doubt coursing through my brain. As if I need to be worrying about things other than what's going into the suitcases. At this point - what I'm bringing/not bringing is becoming the least of my problems.

There's a part of me, a small part, that wants to scrap the whole idea. Put everyone (including my shoes, I finally did them) back in their proper place and be done with it all. Or at the very least move to like California or something. Not that Bear State has ever been a big desire or anything, but it would be more feasible. That way I could just drive across country - and take everything. Why hasn't anyone built a bridge over the Atlantic. I'd take it. Just to save on the stress, but I guess there'd be no place to fill up the u haul.

I'm starting to get like sincerely depressed. Leaving just the thought of getting to the airport on the plane is so daunting. Not that I don't want to go but like just getting there feels like this big epic thing. For so long, it was like, well I'm just going it'll be fine. And now, its finally starting to settle in. I'm leaving. Everyone,and everything behind. Even the light the comes in my window at the head of the bed, over looking the back yard, shining in the glorious way it does feels nostalgic. Can you really begin to miss things, and places, and people before you even left yet? I'd wager that you definitely can. Because I definitely do.